Friday, April 29, 2005

Office Romance

Dean, one of my coworkers, cornered me at the copying machine today. He was ahead of me in line. I don't like him very much.

"So, dude," he began, "I heard that Cecilia is totally digging on you after you went out for drinks."

"Uh," I replied. "I don't know. Anyways, I've got this policy -- no dating in the office."

"But dude, you've got to cut that meat."


"You know, dude," Dean continued, making a saw-like motion with his right fist. "Cut that meat! Cut that meat! Cut that meat!"

I wanted to run back to my cubicle, but I really needed to make these copies.

"Look, Dean, there are other reasons too," I said, thinking of the fact that I am being stalked by Thom Yorke.

When I got home that night, Thom Yorke was watching A-Team reruns on my television. He had his hand buried deep in family pack of jujubes. When he saw me, he got really excited.

"Staaaaaars and aaaaastrrraaaal cars!" he shouted, pointing at the television.

"The super must have hooked the cable back up."

Thom grinned. I undid my tie and got a drink from the fridge. I debated in my head what to say, how to phrase it.

"Hey, Thom," I began. "I was thinking of asking this girl out on a date."

"I am baaaaaaack to save the uuuuuuniverse," he said, pointing towards the fire escape.

"No, no, you don't have to leave. Its just, if I go out with her, I need you to promise not to stalk me that night."

Thom looked hurt. He sighed heavily and started pouting. There was a red jujube stuck between his teeth. "I prooooomise to be gooood," he whispered.

"You always say that." I stared at my shoes. I felt guilty for treating him this way. "Look Thom. If you promise to just stay away, just for a few hours -- "

I looked up, but Thom Yorke was nowhere to be seen. The window to the fire escape was open.

Without a word, he was gone.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

holy shit this is funny

11:26 PM  

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